Reflections
It's 2 a.m. Monday morning and of no surprise to me that I'm wide awake. I tried to sleep but it didn't happen. Lots of things rolling around in my head, and though I imagined I was stretched out on a beach chair in front of the ocean, which is my way of faking out my brain in order to shut it off and relax, it didn't work. A few cups of decaffeinated tea and my laptop and now, a bit of reflection -- loss, gain, loss.
The Loss of a Friend
I've been avoiding the inevitable remembrance of my best friend who died last year on this day and at 2 a.m. in the morning. All week long I thought of her - every single day, while out and about and in and out of stores in my neighborhood. They weren't conscious thoughts; rather, they'd sneak up to the surface and I'd realize that, remember and reflect.
She never really said how sick she was, and at times I wondered if she even knew. She wasn't sick for long - just a couple of months that I was aware of. In looking back, it could have been longer than that but she didn't tell me. What shocked me after she died was how much I missed her later on. I fully expected to miss her and quite a bit, but didn't realize the extent that I would feel her dying, death and disappearance from my life.
The Introduction of Someone New
Not long after her death, someone new entered my life. I'd often wondered if the gods had that part planned out - that I'd lose a dear friend but someone else would step in, yet in a completely different way. We became friends, lovers, and seriously committed to each other. We were a good fit. My friend who died would have liked him, I know this in my heart. Somewhere in the heavens she was nodding her approval and saying, "you finally got it right kiddo!" The thought of it made me smile.
The Next Loss
One day at the beginning of the summer there was another shock -- the sudden and unexpected death of that serious, committed relationship. Now when I think back to my friend who died, I also think of that relationship. I think that's when a part of me died too.
The Loss of Me
After the death of my friend and the death of my relationship, I noticed that my writing voice changed. Suddenly it became a struggle and hard work. My voice was gone, my sense of humor disappeared. At first I wasn't aware of it, and then it hit me one day while reading previous things I'd written. Gone. The humor - the inane things I'd notice and then write about here, my enjoyment in telling funny stories and making people laugh. What happened?
At one point I wrote about my inability to write when I asked the question out loud here, "why am I doing this?" I knew something was wrong. I couldn't pinpoint why suddenly my writing voice and ability disappeared. I realized that the factors surrounding the eventual black hole I fell into contributed to the problem. Could it be, the writer and humor lover, died also? It took a while before I saw it, but it's there. Whatever I wrote, no matter how many times I tried, it would end up just a shadow of my former self.
The Rise to the Surface
It could be that I am also mourning the loss of what I had loved to do best - my hobby - my writing - my humor. I acknowledge my struggle of the last six months and know that what used to be is no longer. This date, this time, this turning point, this one year memory brought to mind everything -- before, during and after my friend's death. A loss, a gain, a loss and more loss. I've not had a good night's sleep in the last week. Perhaps it contributes to this sudden display of me, something that I'd normally hide or bury and never allow to wear type. I guess that after this past year, I had to allow those things to rise to the surface, give it a timestamp and a voice today, dress it in type and make my peace with it. I have the memory of my friend to thank for taking me to this place she knew I needed to go.