Don't Cry For Me Orangina ...
The author (me) is this extremely goofy individual who has two distinct sides: the matte-serious-corporate and the glossy-loopy-out of my mind side. I have a fetish for the Wild Wild West and I collect baseball caps. Where this habit came from is beyond me. Heck, it used to be t-shirts, but when I discovered I owned 200 of them it was time to stop. My favorite baseball cap is my black "Sting" cap -- it's survived more rain and snow than any other cap I own, although it's a seasonal cap and too hot to wear in the summer.
Currently self-employed, my previous stamp was made in Corporate America, where I existed as Media Marketing Manager at a mega publishing company. That gig came to a halt in May of this year, and I've been living the life of leisure ever since. During the day, a plethora of specialists appear at my door *panting* with the desire to cater to my every whim. As I lounge on my sofa watching numerous talk show hosts discuss how fab I am, buff young boys feed me grapes, massage my scalp and suck on my toes.
Once my mind and scalp and toes have been satisfied, it's off to my personal gym, owned and operated by me, of course, and run by a former Worldwide Wrestling Federation star who goes by the name of "Poodle." My workout is a strenuous one: Poodle forces me to lift the telephone out of the receiver and ACTUALLY press the buttons on the phone. Can you IMAGINE that? I mean, the humiliation! As if I were some lowly creature! Perhaps Poodle's workouts are too much for me. After all, I'm certainly NOT like THOSE PEOPLE!
Oh! The photographer is here with proofs from my latest photo shoot. I thought I'd share some of them with you dahlink, because I know you just LOVE it when my gorgeous face graces the cover of "W", Vogue, and Harper's Bazaar!
All this can be quite tiring. I soon retire to the pleasure dome, where a bubbly and fragrant bath has been drawn for me. Plush cozy towels are held open for me by my personal houseboy Pierre, who also works as a waiter at Big Nick's on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Consuela (who was a real find--corner of 42nd and 10th) my fashion goddess, has laid out my attire for the day, designed exclusively for me by F.W. Woolworth.
I'm tressed and dressed and ready to go. My personal chauffeur, Raleigh, has my transportation ready. A unique vehicle unto itself, it has two circular objects: one in the front and one in the back, the color hand-chosen by me (need you ASK? it's RED, you moronic lowly poor-excuse-for-a-human-being!) My other vehicle is currently resting in its garage, worn out from a Sunday excursion in Central Park. I know you're dying of jealousy...any vehicle with MacroBlade stamped on the back in prominent flashy lettering would make me green if I didn't have it.
For now, I am considering leaving this life of leisure to pursue some worthwhile charity work with a company that is begging for my presence. One can't remain idle forever you know. Based upon the extreme amount of talent I possess, it's no wonder people are just BEGGING me to come work with them! I know, I know, you laugh and toss your head back saying it's just not possible. Well it is, I tell you! Why, just today I thought (and it was a terrible strain on my psyche, mind you) about what talents I could offer up. I came up with the following:
I'm a very generous individual, willing to share my time, my money, and my belongings with the needy. (This means I have heart.) Granted, sometimes the needy become greedy, and I have to slap them silly with a wet noodle, but I try to persevere. One time, in my previous life, my then superior (I still can't believe I had to stoop so low as to actually 'report' to him!) needed me to take on additional work and stay late. I became quite good at this, and he rewarded me by sending me off on an all-expenses-paid trip to Minneapolis! I thought I'd just pass out from the excitement and thrill of travelling to such an exotic locale!
Oh I know hon, I'm being a braggart now. I'm sorry. What I meant to say before I ran off at the mouth was that I'm just itching to do some more work and turn my 'lady of leisure' existence into something a bit more worthwhile. For now though, I must dash dahlink! One must not be tardy for life's appointments! TaTa!!