Mother Nature's Hissy Fit
Every so often I allow my overactive imagination to run wild and I take a stab at creative writing. I wrote this a couple of days ago, weary from reading U.S. weather reports that all seem to read the same way with the same exact words. (Surely some talented journalist out there could spin a better tale when discussing the weather.) Anyway, this is what came out of my head. It needs fine-tuning, but if I go that route right now it will be weeks before I post it. Therefore, here it is... my moment of absolute insanity that prompted a friend of mine to inquire if it was harvest season in the woods. Yup, that's me. I've been eating wild mushrooms again. Uh huh. ;-)
News alert: Weather. It's a-happenin'.
Mother Nature roused from her sleep early one morning. With rollers in her hair, night cream slathered on her face, and stuffed into a two sizes-too small bathrobe salvaged from wilder times, she dragged her flaming red, ostrich-plumed lounging slippers across the hall and into the kitchen. She flung open the cupboard and suddenly alarm bells sounded in her cobweb-covered brain: she was out of coffee.
With the grace of a gazelle and the speed of a linebacker, she lifted her right arm over her head, waved it in the air back and forth, back and forth, and spun around three times until the earth beneath her began to shake. Who the hell drank ALL the goddamn coffee?!?, she bellowed to the heavens. It was only 5 in the morning, and Mother was already in a snit. Someone's going to PAY! she cried, and pay they did. It wasn't long before irate mamma began chanting and dreaming up wicked little somethings to bestow upon the masses. Yes! She thought. I'll just hit every damn state across the U.S. that has a Starbucks or two... how DARE they have caffeine when I have none!? I'll fix them!
Mother Nature's snit went on, her brain cells churning away, pondering dastardly deeds, then she hit upon the first of many light bulb moments. She stopped, took a seat near the window, looked out over the world and zoomed in on the U.S. Then her eyes locked onto... wait... she's talking again. Let's choose one state first. One that is infamous. A state that is responsible for that ridiculous hanging chad incident from years ago. Scene of the crime, It was an outrage, I tell you! Yes, yes, that's the ticket. I'll deposit my wrath on Florida. Home of alligators, and oranges, and South Beach and, and.... well nevermind what else. Oh right, I remember now. Gloria Estefan. Haha! We'll see who'll be singing Oye Mi Canto now. Hear YOUR voice? Sweetie, now you're going to hear MINE. And off Mother Nature went, back to her bedroom, sans caffeine, plotting and scheming and waving her arms in the air ... they don't call it a hurricane for nothing, you know.
After an hour and weary from all her arm waving, Mother Nature got to work. She called upon some of her nearest and dearest to do the nasty deed -- Jeanne, Ivan and Frances were ready to party, and she decided to keep Lisa on standby, just in case she was needed for backup. With the East Coast done, she turned to the West Coast, home of movie stars and Billy Gates AND Starbucks. Ah hah! She mused. An earthquake for L.A. will ruffle their feathers a bit, and I can always count on my pal St. Helen, who's been PMSing big time anyway, to shake things up at a moment's notice. And so it was done. Mother Nature climbed back into her bed, satisfied that the masses would get their due, their comeuppance.
Now that her wrath had been unleashed, Mother Nature thought about extracurricular activities... at least until the gods replenish her caffeine supply. Without hesitation, she reached out into the air and grabbed thunder, quickly depositing him next to her and pulled the bed covers over both of them. Underneath the blankets, she teased and taunted him, ruffled his hair, tickled his underarms, and a bolt of lightning struck, followed by intense canoodling. Around the same time, Jeanne found Ivan in bed with Frances, and well, all hell broke loose.