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July 9, 2004
Writing Voice Laryngectomy
Update: fixed broken link.
You know when you read a great story and you know when a writer's work isn't quite up to snuff. You've read this writer many times before or you've had a conversation with them. You're familiar with their unique voice, but suddenly those words that used to hit you in the face drift past you unnoticed and unregistered. You wonder to yourself where their voice is and if it's ever coming back.
I've struggled with my writing voice for the last year or so. No matter what I attempted, the words wouldn't come out, refusing to rise to the surface. Sure, I slapped posts up here, topics covering Apple products, the day's news or pointing and linking to others' blogs. Though there's nothing wrong with writing about technology and other items that interest me, something was amiss. I couldn't put my finger on it. I mistakenly thought the problem evolved from learning how to use my content management system. After conquering the trial and error of using the CMS and realizing that wasn't the problem, I wrote that I was troubled by my inability to write:
Why Am I Doing This?
I used to love writing in this space. I used to have my own unique voice. I used to have my own way of saying things, doing things. I used to be funny.
I used enjoy looking back and reading what I'd written long ago. I used to ...
In re-reading some of my earliest postings, it got me wondering what happened to that voice, the one that was funny, the one that didn't give a damn who
was reading, the one that was me. I've not been able to pinpoint exactly when my writing voice changed, but I'm painfully aware of it. Maybe it's just life
getting in the way, maybe it's my imagination working overtime, maybe it's just a lack of enthusiasm.
Dale Keiger @ Scribble, Scribble, Scribble responded to that post and encouraged me to just keep writing. He wrote: "Write what's true and your voice will return. And keep writing because writing what's true is as good a thing as a person can do." Though I appreciated his suggestion, I just couldn't find my voice. I was convinced that a laryngectomy had been performed while I slept, waking to the realization that my writing vocal chords had been surgically removed. As the struggle progressed and the search for words became a futile exercise, I'd post a photograph. I wanted something up here, and photos took the place of words and filled the day's post box.
A friend told me that he visited my blog numerous times but he was bored to tears with what he read. He noticed that my unique voice wasn't present and that it was glaringly obvious in whatever I had chosen to write about. I write from my heart and soul and he knew that about me, my writing style and voice. I hated hearing this reinforcement of what I already knew. Yes, it's not been riveting content.
The realization that my words might be gone forever struck a highly depressing note. Why? I kept asking myself. Why did the one thing I enjoyed doing suddenly disappear? Even though I never stopped writing, the words were imposters; someone else was present -- empty, hollow, lacking fire, passion, enthusiasm, replaced with robotic content so boring it was the equivalent of watching grass grow. One day a friend and I were talking about an event in my life that had sent me into the depths of depression. During that discussion, I mentioned the fact that I'd lost my writing voice and haven't been able to find it since. He replied, "Of course you couldn't write. You simply shut down."
Eureka!
I was so busy being depressed it never occurred to me that that in itself was the reason I couldn't write. Circumstances being what they were, it would be way too easy to place the blame in that arena. No, I am responsible for this, I allowed it to happen. And once I became aware of it, I set out to change it. I've cajoled and seduced the fire-breathing writer's voice block on a daily basis. Constant come hither glances are given in an attempt to make this dragon surrender to my advances. Day by day I pick up the chisel and chip away at the wall I unconsciously put up. I've set up the pulley to drag my voice up and out of the black hole it's been in. Little by little my voice, the part of me that I myself surgically removed, is now undergoing a long-delayed recovery. I suspect that it will return in full force, once again singing out, back to its former self.
Cindy
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Comments
"I suspect that it will return in full force, once again singing out, back to its former self."
I suspect it will, too. :o)
Brain matter deposited by: Kat on July 9, 2004 2:51 PM
Sounds like an epiphany ....I hope you find a way to enjoy it and make it meaningful again Cindy.
Brain matter deposited by: Wendy on July 9, 2004 3:27 PM
Hang in there, your writing voice will come back.
Brain matter deposited by: willy on July 9, 2004 11:06 PM
it's happening to me too so i just link to things. or write boring stuff that goes on around here.
Brain matter deposited by: zed on July 10, 2004 5:18 AM
It happens and you take a few days or weeks to work through it. SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES ALONG and breaks the spell. Suddenly, it's all there again.
Brain matter deposited by: Da Goddess on July 10, 2004 5:49 AM
"I've set up the pulley to drag my voice up and out of the black hole it's been in."
Oh I think it's well on its way back, no?
Brain matter deposited by: Daisy on July 10, 2004 7:17 AM
Cara Cindy, sometimes the reasons why you are blocked is because there is something in the way that needs to get out first. Like a clogged pipe. You cannot get it unclogged just by realizing it is clogged. Maybe you first need to write a lot about this bad event and its following depression. Sometimes we want to forget about bad things that happen, but by not dealing with it, especially if you are a writer, it will only make you become a clogged pipe. Until that is out of your system, the rest can not get through.
Brain matter deposited by: Ana-Paula on July 10, 2004 8:02 AM
Ana-Paula - True. I did indeed write about what was going on, but not in this space, as it does not have a place here. Thanks for stopping by!
Daisy, Joanie - :-) thanks
Zoe - your stuff is never boring!
Willy and Wendy - thanks
Kat - :-)
Brain matter deposited by: Cindy on July 10, 2004 12:44 PM
of course you could always start drinking heavily.
the only problem with that approach, however, is it creates a whole other set of problems such as continually finding yourself lying in the gutter, wondering where in the hell that smell is coming from and wishing someone would give you a hand up, if not a hand out, so you could rise above your circumstances and become the person you once thought you could be.
but i digress.
dont fret so much, eh? you are a wonderful writer and that will never, ever change, even if you think it has. i think the root of your angst is that you fear the temporary loss of your voice tto be permanent. it's not and never will be.
rock on dudette!!
Brain matter deposited by: mr. helpful on July 10, 2004 1:31 PM
Temporary sometimes lasts too long, doesn't it? The ability and skill has always been evident, the voice needed to be stifled lest the blueness of depression overwhelm when in the midst. Moods turn around, and voice returns, richer in depth for the experience once you are able again to set it free.
Brain matter deposited by: susan on July 12, 2004 5:50 AM